Thursday, 12 March 2015

Occam's razor 01.03.15

I was talking to a new friend about an old friend. Of all the people I've loved, she was the maddest and baddest, and definitely the most dangerous to know. She did stuff you oughtn't... We did stuff we oughtn't... We didn't do anything that major, really, but at 16 it felt glorious. We had the future all worked out, the two of us. We were going to get an abandoned warehouse and split it in half. She was going to run a whorehouse, which was a perfectly practical plan. I was going to do something undefined involving either drugs or theft (but never both: stealing drugs is bad for your health, kids).

I fled that environment when it dawned on me that whenever I went away for a while, catching up with friends tended to consist of a list of arrests and obituaries. I didn't have any great aspirations to make 20, but I did value my freedom, and anyway, it was getting silly.

I fled, and I let her go.  The fact that it was probably the wisest move of my life doesn't make it feel any less of a betrayal and a loss. We were tight when things were dicey. I will forever miss her.

Since the advent of the interwebs, I've tried to look her up a few times and found nothing. She's got a pretty unusual name, and there is just nothing out there with her name on it. That's pretty rare.  I'm hardly famous, there is only another person going by the same name, and together we score over 10k hits on Google. For my old friend, there is just a big flat nothing.

As I was explaining this to my new friend, it occurred to me that she's quite possibly dead. Yes, she could have changed name (unlikely back home) or have gone native somewhere where the internet doesn't reach (unlikely in general). Occam's razor has her dead.

The thing that hit me is that the realisation didn't hit me. It hit me that I'd not considered the possibility before - how stupid can I be? But the potential death per se is just one of those things. It's not that I don't care, but she'd be, I don't know, just another one of the fallen. And no, that's not epic or hardcore or badass. That's just kind of fucked up.

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